Coming Out Kinky (Republished from ParksDunlap.wordpress)

Dear Parks,
 

What do you think about being out/coming out as kinky? Any advice or tips on how to navigate being a deviant?
 

Please visit soon,

Milwaukee, WI
 

Recently, many of my students and peers have been asking me about  BDSM/Kink, and because of certain popular book called Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM is now being discussed in a more mainstream way. So lez do it!

(Flag of leather, latex, and BDSM pride)
 

BDSM, kink, and consensual power exchanges/dynamics are also a part of a lot of people's sex lives, including my own, and I want to represent and provide information about sexuality, all parts of it, with this blog and with my future as a sexuality educator.
 

So, coming out kinky...
 

I think it's important, when sharing any information about yourself, that you consider why you want to share that information. Is it because you want to feel politically represented? Is it because you want your loved ones to know what you are all about? Is it because your dad straight-up asks you what the San Francisco Citadel is and why you are going there so often and "Um...it's a nonprofit for sexuality education, exploration, and consent studies" just isn't gonna cut it anymore? (True life.)
 

Is it because someone sees your marks and is like "Are you okay? Did someone (he, it's always a he) hit you? You don't have to take this anymore. I know a place you can go," and coming out is just a part of assuring others that you are safe?
 

Is it because you need to out yourself in order to access more information about safety and how-to's, and to find others who have similar identites?
 

Is kink a political identity for you? Or is it just something fun that you do sometimes in a very private way?
 

Do you want to come out as kinky?
 

Are you ready to explain what BDSM is? And why it's not a monstrous thing?
 

Do you have the support systems  you need to feel safe coming out?
 

(I should really make a flowchart for this.)
 

Coming out can be a scary thing. And coming out kinky, well, it's often seen as an over-share. This is because kink, BDSM, and all that jazz are immediately seen as sexual. Kind of like whenever someone mentions gayness anal sex is immediately thought of.
 

Kink, in my opinion, and in my personal life, is a political identity. So much so that I flag every day.
 

When you tell someone you are into kink, into BDSM, you may align yourself with power exchange community. You are sharing a part of your identity that may tell others:

1. How you fuck
2. How you date
3. How  you may form your family
4. That a lot of what you do is actually illegal in most states ('cept New Jersey; you rule, New Jersey)
5. That with its illegality, you risk losing your job/kids/other important things by sharing this part of yourself with others
6. That your sex ed did not cover what your sex actually looks like
7. That you have not been represented in most sexual health books
8. That you are having queer sex, because the sex that you are having is non-normative, making it queer

You also need to think about how when you come out as kinky, you may be outing partners of yours as well. If you tell someone "I only have kinky sex" and that person knows who you are dating, guess what? You just outed your partner.
 

So ask your partner(s) first, and discuss how to share your sexuality with others without outing people without their consent.
 

You will also probably have to have a conversation about consent with most people you come out as kinky to. Because they will honestly and well-meaningly want to know why kink is not abuse.
 

Kink and BDSM are not abuse because they demand the consent of everyone involved. If there is not consent, it is assault. Not kink, not sex, not play, but sexual violence.
 

Plain and simple.
 

(This is not to say that abuse does not happen in the BDSM community, because  it does.)
 

It's important to focus on the positive aspects of why you love kink. The blog Happy BDSM has a lot of smiles and kink (NSFW).
 

People will also say a lot of stuff like this:

(Yes, this was one of my internet procrastination projects with one of my best friends. And that is my room. And that is my speculum.)
 

Sometimes it's also important to keep it simple when coming out kinky. As a friend of mine put it, "This is not a game of shock and awe."
 

Sometimes I come out by saying that "A partner and pet of mine..."
 

Or when someone asks me about a bruise, "Everyone involved had a great time," and leave it at that.

A friend in NYC on coming out kinky: "... I often just act like it's a normal part of my life. Because, you know, it is."
 

Remember that you are normal.
  

Focusing on the positive, on the caring, on the joy, eye contact, smiles, and intentional planning that goes into BDSM/kink is really important. 
 

Have resources available for when questions arise. You do not need to be the resource, but you can help guide people in your life to literature and videos that can help them get it.  Here is a link to Clarisse Thorn's BDSM Resources. This is a wonderful resource list. 
 

Remember that you are not alone. A lot of us love this stuff, live this stuff, find the hardware store a super-erotic place, and get off on dark and perverted stuff. Good luck! Godspeed! May there be wind in your sails and tails on your back.
 

And let me know how it goes!
 Read more from Parks on their blog:  parksdunlap.wordpress.com